Thursday, July 28, 2011

Will the Real Neal Please Email Me Back

For right now, my only somewhat constant link to Neal is email. And even that is not so consistent. For example, they are 7 hours ahead of before I dash off an urgent email with lots of exclamation marks and capital letters, I have to compute the time difference. There is no point in me chaining myself to my laptop, tapping my fingers and waiting ever so impatiently for a reply if it's 3 AM in Iraq. As attentive as he is to me and my needs, he is not going to get that email for another 4 hours or so.

But sometimes you come across a family of 3 walking the bike path behind the neighborhood or you watch "P.S. I Love You" (again) and just need to send an "I love you a google" email. Sometimes you accidentally gulp down a bottle of Georgia peach wine and then deem that the perfect time to send off several erotic emails about his manhood in comparison to the Eiffel Tower and what you would rather do with the honey than put it in your coffee. (note: GA wine did not immediately precede honey in the coffee....that was just me being...well...y'know...)

Here are some of the tamer emails I've sent to Neal in the past 6 months:

"These chocolate chip cookies are warm and gooey....just like your kisses. I miss you."

"Y'know what I need right now? Naked waffles in bed. That always makes everything better."

"It's a good thing there is still velcro on the uniforms because I'm gonna rip it off. With my teeth. What Eiffel Tower??"

"How did you ever get to be so awesome? Lucky, party of 1."

"The only thing that could make this steak taste any better is if I was eating it off of you."

And those are the tame ones.

About a month ago, I got this email:

"Hello. I have been receiving emails from you, but I am not who you think I am. I don't think these emails were intended for me."

And that's what happens when you insert one teeny tiny period in the wrong place on an email address.

Some guy in Fargo thinks you want to lick syrup from his naval and shower until the water runs cold.

You're right, dude. They were definitely not meant for you. Lesson learned about the importance of accuracy and details.


  1. CLASSIC!!! This is way too funny! I will use it as yet another example in my argument with my husband about NOT sending him motopics (aka nudie pics). He swears up and down that he will not let them get into the wrong hands and then I remind him that during this deployment his phone and laptop went MIA for a few days so really, his argument was worthless. Haha.

  2. Ok seriously this has so much awesome in it I'm dying laughing at work. If I end up married and need advice on how to spice up the love life I know who to ask. Or I can just email the other Neal and see what he thinks.

  3. Okay, another F Bomb!!! LOL!!!!

  4. bahahahaha!!!!! omg!! one of the most hilarious posts i've ever read!

  5. OHMYGAWD!!!!!!!! Seriously???? OK, this beats GoDaddy by a mile, lmao!!! And I thought I was the only one??

    And how long did it take him to fess up?? We need to interview this "other Neal"!

    Hugs honey - this too shall pass!

  6. Oh my...that is hilarious!!! Especially since those were the tame ones!!! I'm surprised that "Horny in Fargo" hasn't made a road trip to KY or GA looking for this ever-so-passionate woman that's sending him naughty emails!

  7. What was the last email that finally got him to fess up? The "eating steak off of you" one?
    Perhaps the naughty bits were fine, but you offended his vegan sensabilites with that one, and he just had to put a stop to hearing about your meat-eating ways.

  8. OMG! ROFL! You absolutely are the funniest person. I love reading your stuff even if you have to admit you did this. I've done this before (not love emails), but so done it before. LOL!!! Thank you for the Friday afternoon laugh. It was great!

  9. LMAO man please keep this up. Check out my blog sometime I believe it will repay you with lulz.

  10. Omigosh, that's funny. I was admiring your creative messages and didn't see the punchline coming. So to speak.

  11. No way! That's hilarious, but that's easy for me to say because I haven't been accidentally sexting an 80 year old from Dubuque.

  12. Oops!

    I met this couple once who met because he accidently sent her a text. He copied his builder's number down wrong in his phone and sent: "The roof tiles are being delivered on tuesday. Can you be here by 8am."

    Being a cheeky gal she text back: "Do you want me to bring you a latte?"


  13. LMAO!!!! Well, I bet you made HIS day ;)

  14. I'm crying a little bit over here from laughing so hard! Only you Ally! ox


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