Ally and Shana Take NYC: Part 1.5

Happy Champagne Friday, pretty people!

So...is it just me or did this week sort of last forever? And yet, last week was like riding backwards on an express train. Clearly, vacation weeks and Twilight Zone time warps are inexplicably linked.

Here's the sad news: I don't have a R.E.D. item for you today because I am just now digging out from the tumbleweeds of cat hair and the Great Smoky Mountains of laundry. But have you ever known me to slack? (no comment necessary from the 400Wakeup family members) So, I will return next week with at least 2 and probably 3 R.E.D. items to post to make up for it. And maybe by then, my resin roses and I will have reached an understanding that doesn't involve coming apart (by either of us).

In the meantime, I bring you the first several days of The Shanally Chronicles. 

Leonardo da Vinci once said, "It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things." 

I would venture to say that we sort of happened to New York. And we learned quite a few lessons along the way.

1. You are never too old for balloon art. Be it a flower...

Jeff Koons' balloon flower near World Trade Center 7

 or intermingling boy and girl parts...whichever...(sorry, but I refuse to spend my Saturday picking through dirty spam comments. So, let's just leave the textbook terms in the textbook.)

Lucky Cheng's (because I am a glutton for punishment and specifically requested a NYC drag show)

2. A decade is not quite long enough to build a memorial. I have faith that 2021 will be a big year. 

 Ground Zero with the new tower going up slowly, but surely. 

 

3. Tourist photo of Statue of Liberty is less exciting than Statue of Liberty on the Diagonal. 

 Exhibit A

Exhibit B (I know, right?)

4. But Statue of Liberty on the Diagonal is not as exciting as Statue of Liberty with a Light Up Her Ass. 

 

5. There's nothing more beautiful than a girl who is proud of her roots. 

 I adore this photo and I swear, Shana, if you make some comment about how you look too fat or too sweaty or too windblown or...too...New York...I will come through your screen and give you a titty twister. (hugs!) 

6. It is possible to sucker a friend into buying a Statue of Liberty foam hat on the ferry. 

7. I am ending the debate here and now: Miss New Jersey is as big as a boat. 

OK, it just occurred to me that you may not be able to read that...boat's name? Miss New Jersey. Ha.

8. When I was applying for colleges and I was asked on the application what was most important to me in choosing a college, I always wrote in "the city must have a skyline." So, yes...Lexington has a skyline...but this is a gentle reminder of what I was missing. 

 

9. The arms of recruiters reach far and wide and, apparently, embrace all age levels. Well done, Marines! 

 Fleet Week means more than just white-clad eyecandy rolling into the city.

10. The Brooklyn Bridge is exactly like The Golden Gate Bridge in that it is impossible to take too many pictures of it. (Also there is an excellent Ken Burns documentary on the construction of the bridge...y'know...if you're tired of watching Mean Girls and looking for something different.)

 See what I mean, Vern?

11. It is possible to get a funky cabbie photo from the Brooklyn Bridge. However, Shana says she has a better one. Somewhere. If she can find the photo, it has a reserved spot in our guest bathroom.

  

12. Stop complaining about the sweaters Grandma knits for you every winter. At least she isn't toiling away at a sweater for your bike, too....

13. It is seldom a good idea to kick off a drinking contest at 1 AM. Also, I think it may be the first sign of alcoholism. And refrigerators are highly overrated. Really you just need a food tray and 6 handfuls of ice. (Clearly Sophie realizes this is a bad idea as she is giving the stinkeye to Mama for letting the shenanigans continue.)

14. The Bronx Zoo has ruined me for the typical pet. I am now ready to adopt one of these

 and one of these

 and one of these....

 But y'all can keep your free-roaming peacocks (who does that??). 

15. There are creatures at The Bronx Zoo that I thought only existed in Disney movies. 

16. Neal is directly descended from monkeys because I get this look a lot. 

17. "Spring" (term used loosely to indicate May even though thermometer indicated July) is the best time to visit the zoo. That's a little baby tucked in the arms of Mama. The "awwww" factor was off the charts. 

18. I really need to get laid. What I see here is not a feisty tiger lounging under a toy...I see a ball gag. A year is a really long time, y'all....

 19. Nobody...and I mean NOBODY makes mojitos like the cubans. 

20. The name of the show makes Mama Virgo blush, but it is well worth the ticket price. Also, it is a great introduction to New Yorker 101. But they do say "fuck." A lot. 

21. Always wear your maternity pants to Serendipity. The ice cream comes in 3 sizes...large, extra large, and something that resembles the size of Staten Island. (And it is perfectly acceptable to remove your Spanx in the 1-person bathroom and stash them in the tampon pocket of your purse if you eat too much.)

22. Times Square never sleeps. Amazing if you are a night owl...unfortunate if you are trying to roll yourselves home in a brownieicecream sugar coma.

 

Speaking of sleep...

More adventures tomorrow. It's bedtime for a certain pretty princess.